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Horoscope

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  Yes! It very much is!  Sometimes i refuse to believe that horoscopes could be so on the nose. There must be something diabolical behind it. Is it listening to my convos on my phone to get an accurate reading of what I am going through? Is it just me being gullible and believing whatever is writen on it cuz its what I wanted to hear?  Either way this statement is still true regardless.  It is fucking terrifying!  As someone who had thought she have had fallen in love before and was proven to be oh so wrong, how do i know for sure that this time around it is real?  But it feels very real! Even more real than anything I’ve ever felt before. But then again, I have felt it before,but just not in the way that it feels like right now. This time around, I feel free!  I feel like I am finally able to love in a way that I have always wanted to romantically love.  I hate the games that had to be played before.  Had to be cautious, predictive, reserved, calculated and fake. But in the end it all
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2024

 In a matter of a few months I’ve done and achieve things that I would never thought to be possible. Things that if it was told to be done last year, I would surely said it to be impossible. But are all happening so quickly that at times I felt like I was robbed from even taking a quick moment to take a huge breath of relief. Before I knew it, it’s october again and I’m turning another year older. This year I’ve made and lost friends, made music and perfromed them, I learned how to control my parental guilt, and I’ve fallen in love. At 33 life had given me so many surprises that made me believed that anything is possible. All the doubts and fears that I used to have are being put to the forfront and challanged. Honestly this is the only time in my life that I feel like I want to look forward to for more. What more life could offer? What more there is to feel? What more pain I could handle? What will be me?
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Same same

    Same roads Same lanes Different paths Different names   This roundabout stretches for eternity I fear this is what I’ve made to be The ride is getting sicker and sicker now spinning endlessly I fear this is what I’ve made to be                                      Stuck                                   Stranded                                    Trembling                                   Sickening 
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Downward spiral

 been sailing through rough seas this weekend. charts are off, wind was blowing violently from every direction, and my sails were torn to shreads. never experienced these kind of conditions before. sure there were days where the waves were a little too rapid for my pleasure but never this rough. my head was in a downward spiral. more severe than i had ever encountered. words were like katanas slicing through every little doubt leaving an open wound for me to pick at every nook and crany. thoughts of hurting myself came to be more visual than ever. this building might not be tall enough for me to actually die. slitting my wrist would be too painful. what if i lift my feet from the breaks for a split second while driving. i ponder on who i have become as a person. have i actually done the best that i could? i am a freeloader. i am no longer proud of who i am. what does life mean after all of this? why does living feels so long yet so short at the same time. im lonely what more do i have
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Had a very eventful weekend. Emotions runs wild and my mental state was put to the test. One big thing that I realized through this process was that, I was living as a background character of my own life for so long. I only came to realize this when i was forced to deal with others feelings and what they think of me rather than actualy living my life and owning my own experiences. I was in the middle of enjoying what was seems to be my childhood dream, but i was kinda letting others take that away from me by worrying about them instead. I couldnt even dream of this moment years ago. me going to gigs by myself and dancing in the crowd with my friends? it sounds like a myth. i used to feel so claustrauphobic in crowds that i would hyperventilate and panic, i never knew why, but now i realized that it was because i never belonged in the crowds that i used to put myself in. it feels foreign, jarring and unsafe, but the crowd that ive been
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